A zombie baby dressed as Dan Rather.

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas. "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman “If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names.  "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.  For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes.  Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this. 6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge. 7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.  When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way. 8) Put a chair facing a printer.  Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. 10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. 12) Put your trash can on your desk.  Label it "IN". 13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. 14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom.  When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." 15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.   Yo MAMA Yo mama so stupid when she put a quarter into the parking meter she waited for the gum ball to come out! Yo mama so fat she broke the family tree! Yo mama so fat when she went to the zoo the elephants threw peanuts at her! Yo mama is like a hockey player. She doesn’t change her pads for 3 periods! Yo mama so fat when the cops see her on a street corner they yell hey guys break it up! Yo mama is so fat she makes God Zillah look like a action figure Yo mama is so bald I can see what she is thinking Yo mama so stupid she waited at the stop sign until it said go!!! Yo mama so dirty plants grow off her ass!!! Yo mama is so dirty she has to sneak up on water!!! Yo mama is like the Pilsbury Doh boy. Everybody wants to poke her